Welcome to the first ever Most Punchable Face Tournament. Readers will eventually vote on which public face is most punchable. It’s pretty straightforward, folks. This is less corrupt than the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, and all entries and seedings are done by me, personally, with suggestions from my better half.
There are four regions. Here is the second region, The Dennis Hastert Region and its members. The following two regions will be released over the next few days.
Without further ado, here are the top 16 seeds for the region.
1 Paul Ryan: This Ayn Rand disciple never met a poor person he didn’t want dead or a rich person undeserving of a tax cut. It was hard settling on a single picture to represent this moron, because it’s almost poisoning the well. He’s a strong top seed and the picture is almost unfair.
2 Trey Gowdy: This tournament may cause Gowdy to try to reopen the Benghazi investigations related to Hillary Clinton. He’s oftentimes compared to a little twat from Harry Potter, which is unfair to that fictional character.
3 Blake Farenthold: I feel like adding anything here may unfairly tip the scales in this Texan’s favor. That said, he spent $84,000 in campaign money to settle a sexual harassment suit, because of course he did.
4 Steve King: This guy and his comb over thinks he’s a member of a master race.
5 Matt Gaetz: Uber’s best friend, his rich father has helped him avoid numerous DUIs while he continues to try to undermine Robert Mueller by going on Fox News more than he goes to his actual job (photo is most recent mugshot).
6 Darrell Issa: Outgoing representative from the San Diego area. He’s leaving to spend more time with his family and /or commit more arson/insurance fraud.
7 John Boehner: Too emotional to continue to hold office, Boehner retired recently. His main accomplishment while serving as Speaker was being clairvoyant enough to pre-oppose all Obama initiatives.
8 Joe Walsh: I personally pissed of Joe Walsh during a campaign stop when he was running for re-election against Tammy Duckworth in 2013. His campaign was taking pictures at a restaurant and everyone there had to sign a release, in case we were in the background of a picture and he decided to use it in an advertisement. I refused to sign, his campaign manager went to get him, and I told him to his face I would not sign and that he was a horrible person. He stormed off. I want this mentioned at my memorial service after I die. He also doesn’t pay his child support. Fuck Joe Walsh.
9 Devin Nunes: Trump’s monkey in Congress, he can’t not obstruct justice. In a fair world, he’d die in prison. In our world, he’ll host a show on Fox News.
10 Jason Chaffetz: A Benghazi truther, he has tried to tie Hillary Clinton to everything from that attack to the attack on the Death Star. He once threatened a Washington politician with jail if she implemented voter approved marijuana laws. He has also questioned the usefulness of vaccines.
11 Louie Gohmert: An original Tea Partier, he’s also just a moron. His words on maybe not having pipelines run everywhere in certain areas of the country speak for themselves: “So when [caribou] want to go on a date, they invite each other to head over to the pipeline. … So my real concern now [is] if oil stops running through the pipeline … do we need a study to see how adversely the caribou would be affected if that warm oil ever quit flowing?”
12 Michele Bachmann: For fuck’s sake, look at that face.
13 Scott DesJarlais: Pro-life unless it’s his mistress’s baby, then he’ll drive you to Planned Parenthood. He’s probably still upset at not being cast as Kingpin on Netflix’s Daredevil.
14 Michael Grimm: Literal ex-con who once threatened to throw a journalist from a balcony. He’s now running for his old seat, because of course he is.
15 Peter King: Tough on extremists from the Middle East, but those IRA chaps are some good people who need to be included in society.
16 Steve Scalise: Taking a bullet during baseball practice didn’t stop this NRA stooge from wanting every white person to own several guns to take down minorities who jaywalk.