1 Sean Hannity: Trump’s Minister of Propaganda, has never seen a Trump ass he won’t kiss. He has black friends so he can’t be racist and is pretty certain the Deep State in the FBI is still hiding Obama’s real birth certificate and his connections to 9/11 and the attack on Pearl Harbor.
2 Tucker Carlson: He’s insanely jealous of Hannity and Trump’s obvious love for him, and has started ramping up the crazy to try to get daddy to notice him. White men have it hard. He’d likely be a number one seed if he switched back to his costume with the bow tie.
3 Bill O’Reilly: The Walter Cronkite of crazy, Bill almost wasn’t included because he’s on the Mount Rushmore of Fox News idiots. He’s bad enough at sex to need $32 million in settlements.
4 Dana Loesch: A vile human being, Loesch has never met a gun she didn’t love or a child or minority she didn’t want murdered by one.
5 Ann Coulter: Do I really need to explain this one? I do fear punching her would turn her face into some sort of dust that would be eventually linked to the beginning of some sort of apocalyptic event. Or bees.
6 David Clarke: Punching his face may be difficult as it is dwarfed by his outrageous cowboy hat. You may also miss and hit one of his pieces of flair.
7 Laura Ingraham: Laura has been lost in the shuffle, so she has amped up the crazy recently, asserting terrorism is the natural outcome of a multicultural society.
8 Bill Kristol: Kristol’s shtick these days is pretending he’s some sort of “intellectual conservative” who didn’t help create the current GOP. Fuck you, Bill, and your statement of “100 months during which Barack Obama discharged the responsibilities of that high office.”
9 Ben Shapiro: This idiot has written “books” such as Porn Generation: How Social Liberalism Is Corrupting Our Future, Brainwashed: How Universities Indoctrinate America’s Youth, and The People vs. Barack Obama: The Criminal Case Against the Obama Administration. My wife was helping me make sure this was funny, and noted there was no joke here. I agreed. He’s like the default model for the bad guy in a video game before edits are made.
10 Tomi Lahren: Current Nazi Barbie, she will disappear once she gets her first wrinkle. Her Twitter history is a goldmine of getting owned.
11 Richard Spencer: I almost felt bad for putting him on this list, as he’s so famous for getting punched and crying on camera, but then I remembered he’s a white supremacist.
12 Milo Yiannopoulos: Only ranked this low because he’s trying so hard to be hateable. He’s a rancid douche who is a professional line stepper.
13 Martin Shkreli: He likes to kill AIDS patients by forcing them to choose between life and bankrupting their families.
14 Steve Doocy: Possibly one of the two most powerful men in America, Doocy speaks to an audience of one, who then tweets out his message. Is afraid of anything not white and Christian.
15 Brian Kilmeade: The other most powerful man in America who looks like a My Buddy doll came to life and aged to adulthood.
16 Newt Gingrich: A powerful 16 seed, he’s lost relevance recently so he’s now contradicting earlier statements he made to appeal to right wing lunatics. He’s probably waiting for his current wife to become terminal so he can divorce her.