Welcome to the first ever Most Punchable Face Tournament. Readers will eventually vote on which public face is most punchable. It’s pretty straightforward, folks. This is less corrupt than the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, and all entries and seedings are done by me, personally, with suggestions from my better half.
There are four regions. Here is the first region, The Golden Toilet Region. and its members. The following three regions will be released over the next few days.
Without further ado, here are the top 16 seeds for the region.
1 Donald Trump: Easily a number one seed, but a weak one with a lot of competition in this brutal region. The White House is full of punchable faces, and he is the face that runs the place.
2 Stephen Miller: He’s given serial killers everywhere hope for a career in politics. His white supremacist views mix well with a killer’s modus operandi despite the fact he looks like a shaved rat.
3 Donald Trump, Jr.: A bad 1980s John Hughes villain. He would have driven an IROC Z and tied a sweater around his neck while hazing younger kids into the whitest group on campus.
4 Eric Trump: Brother of the 1980s villain. The same in every way, except somehow dumber.
5 Ivanka Trump: She has gotten by on her bank account for too long and would likely Stormy Daniels her dad to get her other siblings written out of the will. Takes black and white photographs of wooden fenceposts and describes them as high art.
6 Jared Kushner: A poor little rich boy, he and his family are basically in debt to everyone for all the money in the world, and that made him qualified to negotiate peace in the Middle East.
7 Sarah Huckabee Sanders: A constant and bad liar, she looks like her disgusting father in drag. Her utter contempt for anyone asking her any question is palpable, and is perhaps one of the most genuinely unlikable people I’ve ever seen.
8 Jeff Sessions: Too small to be a grand wizard, Jeff’s passion in life is keeping for profit prisons filled with minorities convicted of marijuana possession.
9 Steve Bannon: I’d honestly be afraid to punch him in the face despite his disgusting beliefs and actions, because I’m certain my hand would come back infected and requiring amputation.
10 Betsy DeVos: Keeping our schools safe from bears and the sister of one of the most morally corrupt human beings alive.
11 Kellyanne Conway: The consummate “meth, not even once” poster girl, I’m sure she cannot even distinguish between the truth and a fallacy any longer.
12 Sebastian Gorka: A member of the Historical Order of Vitez, which is literally a Nazi group. He’s also got an outstanding arrest warrant in Hungary for trying to be a tough guy with a gun.
13 Sean Spicer: Incapable of telling the truth and likely fired by Trump due to his Saturday Night Live persona being played by a woman.
14 Mike Pence: Pence sneaks in with a lower ranking due to his overall absence from the public eye (football appearances notwithstanding) and overall ability to convey emotion. His face cannot change appearance due to his contract with the Illuminati.
15 John Kelly: Once referred to as the adult in the room, it turned out he was ridiculously anti-immigrant and an all around garbage human who seemingly found a best buddy in fellow white supremacist Stephen Miller.
16 Rex Tillerson: Tillerson always looks like he’s about to burp. Former EXXON man, he’s now making bank by cutting illegal deals with Russia.