We Haven’t Even Tried!

We Haven’t Even Tried!


Just because some kids and teachers were mowed down in the weekly terrorist attack by an economically anxious white boy doesn’t mean we need to DO anything. There are plenty of things we, as a country with no gun issues, need to address. Without further ado, here is a list with bolded words rather than numbers because that’s lazy writing.

Doors. The lieutenant governor of Texas noted the problem in Santa Fe was not guns or access to guns, it was doors. I mean, have you noticed all these doors popping up around places where our children spend their time? There are doors being built right now and you were unaware of it, weren’t you? For shame. All of these awful incidents have involved white men with guns and anger issues using a door at some point. Las Vegas? He walked through a door to his hotel room. Santa Fe? The kid walked right through a door into the school. We have been ignoring the problem of doors for entirely too long and no one has been granted rights by a god to own or use one. Seriously, ctrl+f the Constitution and all its amendments. That’s right: zero hits on “door.”

Meat shields. Why did none of these kids being indoctrinated by our liberal public schools think to use an already murdered student as protection from personal injury? Instead, they hide or run or and cower like weak liberals. Video games, where the mentally ill get their ideas to shoot up schools, have been using meat shield technology since at least Gears of War 2, so we are talking 2008. That’s ten years! These kids are learning how to sex and kill from video games, but not how to help themselves retain their hit points. Idiots. There is also cardboard box camouflage technology they are flaunting their ignorance of. If it’s good enough for Solid Snake, a true, real American hero, it should be good enough for them.

Fewer laws. That’s right. When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns. If we get rid of more laws – murder, rape, assault, etc. – kids will be too terrified to leave their house, or possibly barricade themselves inside their bedrooms if daddy’s eyes are a bit too inviting, and there you go: fewer kids at school to be shot. Homeschooling will increase, kids will stop learning useless things like math and science and instead focus on important things, like vengeful gods and floods and geriatric men building ocean liners. Why we haven’t done this yet is beyond me.

More guns. Hear me out, this isn’t the usual argument. More guns mean more people holding guns at all times. If I’ve learned anything from movies and video games, guns are the victim of gun violence in many, many situations. The liberals at Rockstar Games didn’t include this in GTAV, but some patriots added a mod. Not only will this reduce death, it will also let the underserved gun industry get back on its feet and sell guns to replace those damaged and destroyed.

In less than one hour, I have provided more insight on this issue than anyone saying the United States has a gun problem. There are many, many other things we can do first. Sometimes, the absolutely overwhelmingly obvious thing is the wrong thing to do, because that’s not what the slaveowners would have wanted.

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